this made me remember my ex's horrible horrible bitter twisted mother dying in a hospice. christ she was awful to her daughter and i dont know how she grew up only half damaged.
really clever twist. rubbing salt into the wounds of the rejected bitter old dying racist. you want to feel empathy... you feel you should...but then you painted her so well you just couldn't like her.
Thank you, Nick! That's a shame about her mother, I'd like to think that I'd try to give those around me closure, and not be bitter or awful. I'm sorry that happened.
She's (the character) a shitty person. Sympathy? Not from me
This was a really good story. Appreciate the social critique and also humanizing effect of the use of the story world/advertisement. I like how the story world becomes inflected at the end … makes you sad for the prison she is in ….
The anticipation of the punchline and trying to guess the punchline was only half the enjoyment of this story - what a great character- she is - a bit of every elderly relative ever but also so nicely observed one can’t help but feel you know her a bit for real. This was the perfect beer in hand sunny evening Friday story. Loved it.
This joint spirals through fake love, real shit, and a dying mind trying to hold it all in. The voice cuts. That twist? Nasty. Feels like satire prayed up and pissed off. Still echoing.
Your visceral writing is so good—the feeling of being in that bed, hearing those sounds, tasting that juice… Pulled me in close before I realized I probably have little else in common with this woman! Makes me want to shout in her face, "You deserve this!" but also, "I feel so sorry for you!" Beautiful work.
I love 1st person too. It’s funny, I think basically everything I wrote until my novel was in 3rd omniscient, and it’s all crap. In my flash stuff I’ve hopped around, but 3rd always begs the question: okay, but who are you, and why are you telling me all this? Which, if answered, turns the 3rd-person narrator into a 1st-person narrator telling you a story about someone else, haha.
What do you have in 2nd? The only time I’ve ever written in 2nd was for interactive fiction stuff, and it took some getting used to.
I hear that on 3rd. I do like a close 3rd for comedy, but more and more I've been leaning into 1rst for its visceral effects.
Nothing I've posted here is in 2nd (I do have a 1st buried in 2nd for a reveal that is paywalled but I plan on making that public soon). Andy Futuro has an excellent piece titled 11:11 that is in 2nd if you are looking for a good example of what can be done in it.
It's not often that a story captures the absurdity of death, the indignity of aging, and the hollowness of our simulation-slicked culture with such vicious precision. The voice here, half lucidity, half hallucination, feels real. The horror doesn’t come from the machines or the “brainchip simulation,” but from how easy it is to believe that such a system could replace genuine human presence, and most wouldn’t even notice.
There’s also something brutal and brilliant in the way you handle shame: bodily, moral, and generational.
Thank you, Stefan. I am glad to hear that voice came through, and I appreciate your close read on it! This one has been on my mind for a while, what does it say of me that I had fun writing it?
So, so good. I’ve met a few old husks like this in my time. I think the reality of people leeches out when they are close to their time. Why would it be otherwise? In extremis, people revert to their natural state, whatever that might be.
I’ve worked with a bartender who had colon cancer, had to have his colon shortened and the first thing they told him was to stay away from certain preservatives (like nitrates). Poor guy was going to the bathroom every other hour
Genuinely smiled when the program cracked through the son with ads and such. Loved it, talk about a reward. Dying alone wouldn’t have sufficed, everyone has that guaranteed.
this made me remember my ex's horrible horrible bitter twisted mother dying in a hospice. christ she was awful to her daughter and i dont know how she grew up only half damaged.
really clever twist. rubbing salt into the wounds of the rejected bitter old dying racist. you want to feel empathy... you feel you should...but then you painted her so well you just couldn't like her.
great work my friend!
Thank you, Nick! That's a shame about her mother, I'd like to think that I'd try to give those around me closure, and not be bitter or awful. I'm sorry that happened.
She's (the character) a shitty person. Sympathy? Not from me
Betcha I could write a back story that makes you feel sympathy for her. 🙃
(but just a smidge)
YES! I’ve no doubt you could
This. This this this.
This was a really good story. Appreciate the social critique and also humanizing effect of the use of the story world/advertisement. I like how the story world becomes inflected at the end … makes you sad for the prison she is in ….
Thank you, bud! I'm glad that it hit, and thank you again for the technical work on my audio. You make my work better.
It’s very good work, happy to support 🙏🏽
The anticipation of the punchline and trying to guess the punchline was only half the enjoyment of this story - what a great character- she is - a bit of every elderly relative ever but also so nicely observed one can’t help but feel you know her a bit for real. This was the perfect beer in hand sunny evening Friday story. Loved it.
And no - I did t feel sorry for her- but in my opinion family isn’t a free ticket to be an assehole…
Same, on both accounts.
Shit bud, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it! Yeah, I feel like we've all met her a few times.
This joint spirals through fake love, real shit, and a dying mind trying to hold it all in. The voice cuts. That twist? Nasty. Feels like satire prayed up and pissed off. Still echoing.
Also: I gotta try and get a deal with General Mills, se if they’ll pay me to not talk about them…
Heh, the character is real shitty in this one, isn't she? Damn, I'm glad it resonated, you know I appreciate your readership, thank you!
She was human, i’ll give her that.
Wow. Stellar. No notes no words jaw is still dropped.
Shit, thank you! That’s really high-praise! I appreciate you reading this 🖖
Yeah like u pissed me the hell off then made me love it again - that’s kind of my fav plot twist 😭😭
Hell yeah! I’ve a few stories like this, my characters have been shit-heads as of late.
Your visceral writing is so good—the feeling of being in that bed, hearing those sounds, tasting that juice… Pulled me in close before I realized I probably have little else in common with this woman! Makes me want to shout in her face, "You deserve this!" but also, "I feel so sorry for you!" Beautiful work.
Thank you! I appreciate hearing that. 1st POV with a lot of interiority is maybe my favorite playground, with 2nd POV being, well, 2nd.
Yeah, I wanted the reader to feel pity, maybe, but yeah… she sucks lol
I love 1st person too. It’s funny, I think basically everything I wrote until my novel was in 3rd omniscient, and it’s all crap. In my flash stuff I’ve hopped around, but 3rd always begs the question: okay, but who are you, and why are you telling me all this? Which, if answered, turns the 3rd-person narrator into a 1st-person narrator telling you a story about someone else, haha.
What do you have in 2nd? The only time I’ve ever written in 2nd was for interactive fiction stuff, and it took some getting used to.
I hear that on 3rd. I do like a close 3rd for comedy, but more and more I've been leaning into 1rst for its visceral effects.
Nothing I've posted here is in 2nd (I do have a 1st buried in 2nd for a reveal that is paywalled but I plan on making that public soon). Andy Futuro has an excellent piece titled 11:11 that is in 2nd if you are looking for a good example of what can be done in it.
It's not often that a story captures the absurdity of death, the indignity of aging, and the hollowness of our simulation-slicked culture with such vicious precision. The voice here, half lucidity, half hallucination, feels real. The horror doesn’t come from the machines or the “brainchip simulation,” but from how easy it is to believe that such a system could replace genuine human presence, and most wouldn’t even notice.
There’s also something brutal and brilliant in the way you handle shame: bodily, moral, and generational.
Thank you, Stefan. I am glad to hear that voice came through, and I appreciate your close read on it! This one has been on my mind for a while, what does it say of me that I had fun writing it?
So, so good. I’ve met a few old husks like this in my time. I think the reality of people leeches out when they are close to their time. Why would it be otherwise? In extremis, people revert to their natural state, whatever that might be.
Excellent!
Thank you, Zivah! You know I appreciate your feedback/readership, but I'll say it again: I appreciate it.
Same. If we die without our family being there, let it be for external circumstances alone, and not for our unkindness to them.
Ugh. Absolutely. Imagine your last thought being hateful. What a legacy.
This is really good, dude. Loved the reading, too!
Thank you, Sean, I earnestly appreciate reading this. I had too much fun with the voices.
Woof. So good.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I appreciate the read 😁🖖
Coming soon to a hospice near you...
If you cannot afford the "Surrounded by Your Family One Last Time brainchip simulation" you can donate some of your remaining time on this planet...
Reminds me of GUTS a little bit at the end there
God that story haunts me…
I’ve worked with a bartender who had colon cancer, had to have his colon shortened and the first thing they told him was to stay away from certain preservatives (like nitrates). Poor guy was going to the bathroom every other hour
Solid, the voice added grime to it.
I really dislike her.
Glad Miguel could empathize, I can’t lol
Thank you, chef!
I really dislike her too. I think she's getting what she deserves...
I'm stoked you two feel differently!
Genuinely smiled when the program cracked through the son with ads and such. Loved it, talk about a reward. Dying alone wouldn’t have sufficed, everyone has that guaranteed.
Hah! (I'll write a sequel where she doesn't die, CANNOT die, but never heals. Spends eternity in her shit)