I am sorry for my trespasses, expect more
Bunker Dispatch
Look, if you keep leaving your door unlocked like this I’m just gonna assume you want me here, okay? I’ll make myself at home, start wearing your sweatshirts like they’re mine, and then everything just gets too entangled, yeah?
Spring is around the corner. Pretending that we don’t see it. Cazart! And, thespians that we are, pretend it hasn’t seen us.
Someone’s been peeing on the pavement, again.
In this newsletter:
What to expect this month
S e c r e t s
The Nihilist’s Horoscope
Free stuff (I give, and I give, and I give!)
M.P. Fitz’s backlist
an anti-joke1
This month’s shenanigans:
…is a worthy title for this section if I don’t talk about last month’s shenanigans.
Last month’s shenanigans:
If you missed it, or you were too cowardly to read it, you can still read my short story Love is a Snow-Lettered Word.
“In this ruined world around me with my only companion a talking robotic soda dispenser, I'm hoping against it all she’s out there; she’ll find me. Absently I’m clenching and relaxing my hands.”
A story of love and amputation, Love is a Snow-Lettered Word will learn the kids about the infamous Donner Party. I am very proud of this story. Those of you who found me from the A Happy Bureaucracy audiobook podcast should be happy to learn that this short story is narrated by yours truly. This is not at the professional level of Gary Bennett in said podcast. I recorded it off of my phone. Pretend this was very punk rock of me.
Also last month,
’ The Literary Salon was kind enough to host my guest article His Stories Will Hurt You, which champions a fellow writer and madman . I also proudly co-signed a community effort to help said writer and his family through a series of crushing life emergencies. If you are not familiar with him or his work (how dare you?) check out the links above and spare him some coin, if you can. If you are familiar with him— what are you doing? Go spare that man some coin!Also, an entirely accurate facsimile of myself was featured in
’s Substack High 2, I responded in kind by writing fan fiction for it. The work of his that I really want to mention though, is his short film One Sweet Night. Set in 1920’s Detroit, it follows the events of the Garland Street house attack. If you are ignorant— this film is the best way to educate yourself. So go do that. This newsletter is not going anywhere.This month’s shenanigans, for real:
I’ll be sending you a new short story for your reading (dis)pleasure! Maybe two? We’ll see, won’t we? I may also be sending you my science fiction recommendations for spring (if not this month, then next month for sure).
Pretend that the last section was longer. Now,
S e c r e t s
As I am an Old Poor, I have no patience for your New Poor woes. Welcome to the party. Huddle up and help each other— or die.
I mentioned this in December’s newsletter, and I don’t like self-pity parties, so I will be brief: Last year my family fell apart. My only living parent is addicted to the same drug that killed the other. Other stuff happened (this is a terrible understatement). If you have noticed a tonal change in me this year that is in large part because the total number of people that I trust halved, and the person I was closest to, who I gave an impossible amount of grace and patience over a decade, returned little of that to myself during my greatest time of need. Why am I not angry at them?
I am spent, betrayed, and feel abandoned.
Blah-blah-blah!
It may be a miracle that I am alive. Maybe I will speak of that in the future.
I bring this up to put context to my failures to hold up to my promises to you, good reader. The fourth book will come out, but likely not soon. I am deeply sorry for this. The third season of the podcast also remains unfunded.
But fear not! This is my craft and it’s what I’ve dedicated my life to. I will continue to write the best damn short stories I can for you and deliver them to your mailbox. For those who like sound-books for their earpits, I’ll also be narrating as many of these stories as I can.
Thank you, honestly, for sticking around this clown. It means the world to me.
And now, for something completely different. It’s…
The Nihilist’s Horoscope
(in which I write horoscopes based on what an astrology symbol looks like to me—without researching it)
Oh wow! Um, okay … “Sort of Racist ‘Asian’ Font ‘H’”; let’s hope you didn’t get that symbol tattooed on you, yeah? Right. Moving on.
This next month will be full of energies beneficial to closure and healing. It— Man, that symbol is just really aggressively racist on a casual level, right? I mean, I know that it is technically an ancient greek letter, but damn it just screams, “I have never met an asian person,” doesn’t it? What? Oh, sorry, yes, back to the horoscope. Where was I?
This next month will be full of energies beneficial to closure and healing. It is important that during this transitionary period, you take advantage of these energies and—and… Look, I’m gonna level with ya; I cannot get over this symbol. I know it is probably just me and that I am making “something out of nothing,” but you really should not get this tattooed on your body, ya know? You want some real advice in your horoscope, there it is: don’t get this tattooed on your body. You know what, while I’m at it, let’s just make that a blanket statement about the entire zodiac. You know what a tattoo of a zodiac symbol really means? It means you are boring.
Boring and kinda racist.
Free stuff:
This month check out the Treasures of Darkness free indie eBook promotion and the Tales of Terror promotion.
M.P. Fitz’s Backlist
Novels:
The Happy Bureaucracy series:
A Happy Bureaucracy (Post-apocalyptic Parody)
Fear and Loathing in the Wasteland (Post-apocalyptic Parody)
Post-Apocalyptic Pirates (Post-apocalyptic Parody)
Memos from the Wasteland (Post-apocalyptic Parody)
Short Stories:
Love is a Snow-Lettered Word (Sci-fable)
Saturnal Cancer (entry to the Stream of Consciousness POV Workshop)
The Public Humiliation of Brian (“Social Anxiety Horror”/Cyberpunk/Humor)
Roko’s Lathe™ (Cyberpunk)
Recursive Panopticon (Cyberpunk)
Radio Cthulu (Cyberpunk/Horror/Humor)
The Museum (Speculative Fiction)
Atomic Death and Taxes (Post-apocalyptic Parody)
Sunny Day (Horror)
Mother’s Day (Horror)
Does anyone know how to get barnacles off of their porch? (Horror/Humor)
Podcast Audiobooks:
A Happy Bureaucracy (Post-apocalyptic Parody sound-book for your earpits, music by Dust Mice)
My goodbyes are lies
Thank you, as always, for being my reader. I don’t know how some of you have been following me for years, but I deeply appreciate it. And to you new readers: you are pretty groovy too.
Tootles, bitches!
-M.P. Fitzgerald
M.P. Fitzgerald writes darkly humorous sci-fi for dream criminals and is the author of The Happy Bureaucracy series. He is far away and you cannot hurt him.
There is no punchline
You are great and I'm glad to have met you 🤗