The Museum
A short sci-fi humor story
Humankind had evolved.
Now, this was something that they were doing from the get-go, sure, but with the Technological Singularity, humankind skipped the whole fussy ‘wait a thousand generations for a noticeable change’-thing that they had previously done and had gone straight to dessert. Now, the majority of humankind had transcended their biological forms.
The general consensus for this transition was “pretty groovy”.
Gone were the restrictions and dogmas of flesh. The sentient population of Earth was now a collection of nano-bot “clouds”, able to manipulate and transmute the elements at will. Resources of any kind could be “willed” to be as the nano-bots could rearrange atoms, and individual clouds could congregate into larger ones for a higher sense of being. Pollution: gone. War: now only the name of a long-dead god. The good news? There were still dogs around too, and they were all good dogs.
So, it is in this fantastical setting that we meet a cloud by the name of “Jared”. Jared was a collection of over a trillion nano-bots that looked like a vaguely blue haze. On the micro, his bots had more in common with ants than humans, yet each acted as a neuron to create consciousness. Jared smelled of strawberries, a scent that he purposefully had his nano-bots produce, and he enjoyed every facet of existing. He came from a much larger cloud of collected consciousness named Zed_, a cloud the size of the eastern seaboard but had parted his form to bring back to Zed_ external experiences.
The first external experience on the list was a visit to the museum.
Like all museums before it, this one had a fetish for white walls and low energy. Taking up the size of a city block, this museum was a perfect cube. Nature had taken back the old city where it stood and the cube was now the only structure to stand for miles. There were no doors, no windows, and no air vents. Jared approached the giant cube with a sense of awe and wonder. This was something that he felt all the time about everything, sure, but he felt that it was doubly important to feel that in front of a museum. To enter he simply made his form skip past the walls with quantum tunneling. Like you do.
The interior room that he had skipped into was only a quarter the size of the museum itself. Strewn about the floor of this room were two-foot-tall pillars of wood, none of them carved, all of them called into existence by another cloud, and each as smooth as glass. Resting on top of these pillars was a pair of sunglasses, each a different size and style. Though not visible, Jared could sense the presence of another cloud, presumably the tour guide.
“Hello?” Jared said by vibrating the air with his nano-bots. “What’s ah, what is all of this?”
The other cloud condensed their nano-bots into a vaguely visible cloud of yellow. “What?” the other cloud said. “Uh, sorry, we don’t get many visitors, had a little nod off there. I’m your tour guide, Undisclosed-Jenny. This wing of the museum has over twenty recorded experiences for your learning pleasure.”
Jared floated over to the pillar of wood nearest to him. He condensed a part of his cloud into a tendril and pointed at the pair of aviators resting on top. “What should I do with these?”
“Put them on,” said Undisclosed-Jenny, “and we’ll begin the tour.”
Jared buzzed with excitement. His tendril grabbed the pair of aviators and in a moment his cloud surrounded the old sunglasses.
There was a flash of bright white. Time and meaning ceased.
Jared’s consciousness was transported— no, that was too kind of a word. Jared’s consciousness was ripped to a different time and place. He was a being capable of fourth-dimensional computing, he knew what the concepts “heavy” and “solid” meant, but he had not experienced them. At that moment he found himself to be not just corporeal, but altogether in the shape of an ape. He was in a body, the body of a thirty-year-old male American. No longer was he Homo-Superior, he was homosapien.
His mind had slowed, and everything felt cumbersome. Everything was now flesh and gravity. For a moment, he enjoyed it.
Jared now wore slacks and a collared shirt. In his hand— HE HAD HANDS! So strange, little fleshy gripping things. Why were they not uniform? WHY WERE THEY HAIRY?! Gooseflesh spread across his skin. His breathing (he had to breathe now!) halted. The experience was as exhilarating as it was disorienting…
Yes! His hand. He was holding something. He could feel the weight and chill of the item, but he had to hold it up to his face to identify it. So narrow were his senses now. He was holding a single glass bottle of iced coffee, unopened. He was suddenly aware of being tired. Of being sluggish. Oh joy! he thought, I get to remedy this feeling with coffee!
A distant voice filled his mind.
<This first experience is called “queuing”. You must exchange currency at the end of the line for the coffee in your hand.> said Undisclosed-Jenny from a different place and time.
Jared was in a grocery store. Fluorescent lights let out a sterile glow onto linoleum tiles. He was wedged between an elderly woman in front of him and another body that he had to look behind himself to see. A younger man in his twenties, carrying a six-pack of beer.
The counter was just ahead, once the elderly lady was done Jared was next. He took a deep breath and was eager to experience his coffee.
“Next please!” the cashier said, ushering the old lady over.
“Hello dear,” the old woman carried her basket to the cashier sluggishly. The old woman then reached into the basket and removed a single can of cat food. Then another. Then another. Still another. She did this with all of the urgency of mold growing on stale toast.
Jared shifted his weight. Without thinking he fidgeted with his empty hand. He looked around him anxiously. There were other cashier stands, there were other places where he could, at least in theory, pay for his coffee… But there were no other cashiers. This was the only lane that was open.
His enthusiasm waned.
The old woman reached into her basket again to produce yet another can of cat food.
“Did you want me to do that?” the cashier offered pleasantly.
“No-no-no, I got it dear.”
Jared’s mind was still slow. He was tired. He needed the coffee, and soon. The old woman pulled out more cat food.
Above the checkout lane was a quaint sign that read in big bold and friendly letters: Express Lane. Jared sighed. It also read: ten items or less.
The old lady pulled out her twelfth can of cat food.
Who needs that much cat food? Jared’s mind howled.
When twenty cans of cat food were scanned by the cashier, and the woman’s basket empty, Jared relaxed. Soon this would be over. The wait will be worth it, he told himself.
The cashier gave the woman her total. Soon the energizing effects of caffeine would zip through his mind.
But the old woman searched her purse as slowly as a sloth dies. “I have a coupon,” she said, and then handed a piece of paper to the cashier.
“Okay,” the cashier said.
“Several, actually…”
Jared had reached the edge of his empathy. He could overlook the old woman ignoring the item limit. He could forgive her sluggishness— she was old, it wasn't her fault. But goddammit! What was this?! WHO HAD A COUPON FOR EVERY CAN OF CAT FOOD THEY BOUGHT?!! This wasn’t fair. He had done no wrong to anyone. He had—
His perspective changed. He was back to his familiar amorphous self. Gone were the aisles of the grocery store, and gone too was his feeling of being tired. The emotions remained.
“What was that?!!” demanded Jared.
“That,” replied Undisclosed-Jenny, “Was ‘queueing'. I'm sorry, the nationality is randomized so that visitors have a reason to return and experience things differently. Had you been British the ordeal may have been slightly easier.”
“That was the worst thing I have ever experienced,” Jared declared.
“I’m sorry, it can be…jarring.”
“Did people live like that? Did people experience that sort of thing a lot, or was that like, a once-in-a-lifetime thing?”
“Oh no,” Undisclosed-Jenny replied, “that happened nearly every day.”
Jared responded by feeling desperate.
“Welcome,” she said, “To the Museum of Slight Inconveniences.” She shined a brighter shade of yellow, which had a calming effect on Jared. “Each one of these glasses contains within itself a moment from history, from before we evolved to what we are today. This museum exists to remind us of the terrible plights of our ancestors and the atrocities they wrought with plastic politeness.”
“It was horrible,” Jared volunteered.
“Impatience is something most of us have learned about, but it is only with first-hand knowledge of it that we can truly understand its hell.”
He was not excited to bring that experience back to Zed_ when he was reincorporated into the mega-cloud. Humankind was right to evolve past it. But he was sent out for this very reason. He was duty-bound to experience more.
“Which ah, which of these is your favorite?” he asked.
Undisclosed-Jenny floated over to a pillar in the middle. Jared followed.
“Try to enjoy the novelty of it,” she said. “Think of each of these shared experiences as a Nickelodeon or a carnival treat, like a funhouse or haunted ride.” With tendrils of her own, she lifted the sunglasses, a pair with cheap green plastic frames, and gave them to Jared.
“…so like, I was like,” a young and fit woman said next to him. He was her age, he felt infatuated with her. He had been transported to a cafe and was in mid-conversation with her. Redemption, he thought as he spied a cup of coffee in front of him.
<This second experience is called “empathetic anomia”. I’m sorry.>
“…I was like, what’s that word?” the young woman continued. “When you like, go fast but it’s illegal?”
Jared knew what she meant. He had the feeling that the body that he now inhabited had done exactly what she had asked at least a couple of times. He sipped his coffee.
“What is that word?” The woman asked again.
The coffee was fine. The word did not come to him. How could he know exactly what she was talking about but not be able to recall the name of the concept? Didn’t he have the exact word she was looking for ready in his mind before she asked for it? “I, uh… It’s…” Jared tried. His mind offered him nothing. There was just a complete failure in recollection. Seconds passed. Neither had an answer.
The woman crossed her arms. Their rapport was gone. Things were awkward.
“Speeding!” Jared yelled. He was back in the museum. “It- It was speeding, the word we couldn’t remember.” He sounded desperate.
Undisclosed-Jenny shined even brighter. “It’s okay,” she said, “you won’t ever forget it again. You are safe now.” She moved closer to him, “they say that the sensation is like having something on the tip of your tongue.”
“It was…frustrating.”
“That particular form of anomia was empathetic, it only happened to the most awkward on the planet.”
‘Awkward', ‘frustrating'… these were altogether new sensations for Jared. Now that he was separated from Zed_ his computing power and speed were reduced. Though he was leagues above his ancestors, his current form would never be anything compared to the hive consciousness of one of the mega-clouds. Was this what Zed_ was looking for? These sensations… they were not ideal. It was hard to imagine that this was the form of catharsis and understanding that he had been sent to fetch back. Would Zed_ reject him permanently if he returned and displeased the consciousness? No. No, that was unthinkable. Clearly, Zed_ had seen something in this endeavor that he just could not understand…. Right?
“Come,” said Undisclosed-Jenny. “This next one is a crowd favorite.”
Jared doubted that. Her ‘favorite’, the one she referred to as a ‘carnival treat’ was anything but. There was just no way that other clouds had enjoyed any of this.
The next pair of sunglasses that she hovered over were a pair of pince-nez. She waited for him.
Jared paused, then slowly made his way over. He had to finish his quest. Experiencing all twenty of the sunglasses was out of the question, but he could, at the very least, return having done the highlights of the museum.
He touched the sunglasses. The familiar bright white light flashed. He was transported…
This time around was less disorienting. Maybe he was getting the hang of it. He found himself in the same body as before, but this time he was older, and heavier. He was in his apartment’s bedroom, standing. Across from him, and seated on the bed, was the same woman who could not remember the word ‘speeding’. She too was older, and heavier. She looked up at him. “What do you want to eat?”
He waited to hear Undisclosed-Jenny’s familiar voice from another time. He waited to hear the context, waited for instruction. Instead, the woman across from him furrowed her brow. “Did you hear me?” she said.
“Yes, ah, sorry,” he said.
She frowned. “Well? What do you want to eat?”
He had the uncanny sense that they had this discussion all of the time. That once, it maybe elicited a sense of excitement. Now? He tensed. He grit his teeth. He sighed deeply.
“I don’t know,” he tried, “I’m down for anything. What would you like?”
“I don’t care,” she said.
He sighed once more. He feigned a smile. “How about pizza?” he asked.
“Oh no!” she responded, “anything but pizza.”
“But- but you said you didn’t care. That means pizza should be fine, I- I solved the puzzle…”
“What? No, I mean I don’t care but I didn’t think you would choose pizza. I meant real food, you know?”
He didn’t. He didn’t know! He solved the puzzle! This wasn’t fair. Why was the decision on him?! He took a deep breath.
“Okay,” he said, “how about I cook?”
“Oh no, I know you are tired, that wouldn’t be fair. We should get something to go.”
“But-” his mind felt like it had hit a wall, “but cooking is- it’s real food and pizza is take out and—”
“Is pizza really what you want?”
“Huh? No, I mean, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”
“I just feel like all of the pressure to choose is on me,” she said.
“Wha—”
Jenny was shining brighter than she ever had. Jared suddenly got the feeling that she chose the color yellow to soothe others.
“They lived in plenty!” he cried.
“I know.”
“They lived in plenty and yet they still lived in misery!”
“Misery is maybe too strong a word,” said Undisclosed-Jenny. “Look, I know that these minor inconveniences—”
“People,” Jared corrected. “You mean those people!”
“Yes, inconveniences more often than not came from people, that isn't the lesson.”
“Isn’t it?!” He said incredulously.
“No,” she answered. “Like I was saying, I know that these minor inconveniences can feel overwhelming at first, but each one presented their victim with something to overcome. Life in the old world was defined by overcoming challenges, can you not see just how brave our ancestors were?”
He expanded his cloud, then restricted it. No one was his enemy here. “Yes,” he replied, “incredibly brave.”
“I tell all who visit to leave with that sense of bravery,” she said. “Most of our ancestors could shrug those moments off, even knowing that there was an ocean of those moments waiting ahead of them.”
“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for that wisdom.” Maybe she was right, maybe it was not the experiences that Zed_ sought, but Jared’s own journey and growth to endure them.
“If you come over to this one—”
“No,” said Jared, “That is quite alright, thank you.”
“Have I scared you away?”
“No-no-no, I am eager to learn more, to grow. But experiencing all that is here now will give me no reason to return.”
Undisclosed-Jenny turned to a shade of purple then. “I understand,” she said, then expanded her cloud until it was invisible, returning to her rest.
Jared quantum leapt out of the museum. Had she considered what he said to be a lie? He hoped not. He was sincere in what he had said, it was not an excuse. What he had seen, the hardships that he could now call his own, they had strengthened a resolve in him. If he could endure what he had, then there was nothing left to be afraid of. He could move forward with determination and courage to bring back first-hand knowledge to Zed_ without fear.
There was another museum on the horizon.
Jared felt invincible. If he could queue, he could do anything. He scanned the large cube in the distance. His scanner returned the name of the cube. It was The Museum of 20th Century German History.
“That sounds like fun,” said Jared.
The Museum first saw publication in Utopia Pending: A Collection of Speculative Fiction Stories on December 15, 2018.