I will take your dog.
Bunker dispatch
Your front door is open, and there is an author seated on your couch with his shoes still on. His eyes are dilated. The dog does not seem to care.
“Oh, ‘sup?” he says with a mouthful of the leftover dinner you were looking forward to, “I live here now, don’t worry, I sold a lot of your furniture, now there is more room for activities!”
In this newsletter:
Why is this lunatic emailing me?
The itinerary
Last month
S e c r e t s
Bribes
The Nihilist’s Horoscope
Cat in a box.
Why is this lunatic emailing me?
You signed up years ago, or you recently grabbed a free book, or you thought me groovy on Substack. Hi! I’m M.P. Fitzgerald, an unwell sci-fi author who writes warnings with heart for dream criminals. And you?
Oh, you forgot to lock your door.
The itinerary:
This month, I’ll be bringing you a short sci-fi story! Yay!
Editor: No, this is not good. The way he behaves is totally unfair. It’s all clown nose and confetti until he drops a story THAT WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT. He thinks this is funny. Sometimes, it is funny.
But be warned.
YAY!
This year, I’ve been trying to produce something post-cyber punk (Editor: the audacity, the smugness!) each month with the following criteria: nothing boring, nothing forgettable, all real-world woes wrapped in chrome. You decide if I’m successful.
You’ll also be getting something from
’s Stream of Consciousness POV Workshop in your inbox this Friday. THESE ENTRIES OF MINE TO THE WORKSHOP ARE GODDAMN HAUNTED. I am a horror writer on top of a dark-humored sci-fi satirist. There is just something about the workshop that brings that first part of me out. Read my last entry to see what you are in for.So, to recap, June will get you: nightmares first, sci-fi later.
Last month:
I sent you my short story with Real Strawberries (read/listen to it while it is still free). Here’s what some excellent authors have said about it:
“This joint spirals through fake love, real shit, and a dying mind trying to hold it all in. The voice cuts. That twist? Nasty. Feels like satire prayed up and pissed off.
Still echoing.”
—
(This man wrote excellence, read it, it’s gorgeous)“The anticipation of the punchline and trying to guess the punchline was only half the enjoyment of this story - what a great character- she is - a bit of every elderly relative ever but also so nicely observed one can’t help but feel you know her a bit for real. This was the perfect beer in hand sunny evening Friday story.
Loved it.”
—
(I already told you to read Entangled, do it again!)“GODDAMMIT M.P. FITZGERALD!”
—
(If I get him to curse at me one more time, I get a free coffee at my local cafe. In the meantime, read this story of his that I outright ADORE)S e c r e t s
I’ve a lot of friends who have been cut off from their family because of their sexuality or identity.
I had them in mind when I wrote this story.
Now, as said family dims in their twilight years, they have the audacity to demand the presence of the children they callously cut off?
The parents can pick up the phone and apologize.
I chose the title, with Real Strawberries, to reflect the false promise of a cereal box; fresh, plump fruit in a sea of tasty treats. Inside? Dry flakes and the simulacrum of what once lived. Died in pink.
As I wrote the narrator in the story, I hoped to show that she thought of herself as better than she presented, sort of the opposite of the cereal box, but paired in spirit. My narration resonated enough with
that he once again offered to clean up my auditory mess.Editor: M.P. had too much fun with the voices.
is one of my favorite upcoming rappers/artists, keep an eye out for when his album drops.He had this to say:
“Appreciate the social critique and also humanizing effect of the use of the story world…”
BUT THERE WAS DISCOURSE!
, a poet, a Michelin-star chef, photographer, author—all of those at once, said this:“…Glad Miguel could empathize, I can’t lol
…Dying alone wouldn’t have sufficed, everyone has that guaranteed.”
I usually reserve this space to talk about my own life, but Pablo Báez needs help.
Just like with the Emil is my Editor initiative that I was a part of, I am proudly in a new initiative to help out one of my favorite artists in his time of need.
Pablo, Michelin Poet
There is ALL OF THE INFORMATION HERE, but in short: he was done dirty by a sleazy business owner who has withheld his last paycheck. That’s illegal, yeah, but it’s not “going to prison illegal,” so that business owner is getting away with it while Pablo is on the precipice of his life collapsing.
Pablo’s commissioning the most fire poems to keep him out of the streets (details are in that link above), but no-strings-attached help is encouraged too.
He and
have been putting out the most killer digital zines to grace the internet in recent memory, and If you appreciate art, I need you to appreciate Pablo. So again:His Venmo information (which is the preferred payment) is in the bolded link. If you can’t help him—I get it. But consider passing it along to someone who can?
Bribes
Check out the Science Fiction & Fantasy Madness giveaway. It’s what I sold your furniture for. Not sated? I’ve also got the Books to Read in Bed promo.
And now, for something completely different.
It’s…
The Nihilist’s Horoscope
(In which I write horoscopes based only on what the zodiac symbols look like to me)
Friends are an essential part of life who can help carry the burden, “Two,” and a helping hand is one that you should never turn away. A helping hand can help you get up when you are beaten down, an extra hand can help carry in the extra bags of groceries when your own are filled, and a helping hand can also carry a shovel. So reach out to your favorite friend this month, “Two”; don’t be afraid to ask for help, for you will find that who you ask will be far more amicable than you think. Favorite friend busy or maybe too mouthy? Loose lips sink ships; your quiet friend is just as good!
“We don’t need to buy a lantern,” your friend will say, “the headlights to my truck work just fine!” And you will agree. See? Collaboration is truly humankind’s greatest strength. Your friend was also right to suggest you wait until a day after it rains; now the soil is easier to strike into! So dig. Dig as fast as you can, but you won’t have to dig alone. Time will go by faster when the labor is divided and you have someone to joke around with.
With the duty done and the chore behind you, you will find yourself closer to your friend. Indeed, nothing brings two people together faster than burying a dead body. Nothing binds two people like a secret they must take to the grave.
Nothing.
You too can buy a box for your kitty!
The excellent menace,
(who you should read because he writes horrific satirical sci-fi) bought a hard copy of my first book, A Happy Bureaucracy. You too can buy a box for your cat! Thank you for your support, Futuro, it means a lot to me.And thank you for reading and supporting my work as well, reader! I appreciate you.
Did you know you can get all of my eBooks for criminally cheap? Tap on that nifty picture down there if you are interested…
If you are new around here, welcome aboard! Thank you for the leftovers, and don’t leave your door open for just anybody.
My goodbyes are lies
Keep an eye out for that flash horror story I mentioned at the top dropping this Friday, and a short sci-fi story later this month.
Stay hoopy froods,
-M.P. Fitz
M.P. Fitzgerald writes darkly humorous sci-fi for dream criminals. He is unwell, but far away where you can’t hurt him.
I want that box set (HB)
Also, still impressed by Miguel’s empathy. I won’t take it back, death’s too much of a blessing for some.
Side-note:
Thanks for keeping the ball rolling 👊🏽
Full of Joy, plunger baby 😎🪠