38 Comments
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David Perlmutter's avatar

"The screen plays the hour-long Folgers Coffee Christmas Incest Centennial Anniversary..."

"The best part of waking up/is Incest (no, I mean FOLGERS) in your cup..."

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Hah! This is exactly why everyone should drink tea instead.

Sean's avatar

Using poverty as violence and consumer tech enforcing the loss of control. Sounds like Netflix where you can't skip the ads.

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Exactly, and thank you for the close read!

Every ad is violence.

Nick Winney's avatar

now i do understand Folgers. thanks to dinosaurs and cocaine

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

COCAINE IN YOUR CUP!!! Hah!

Nick Winney's avatar

i love this…but i dint understand Folger?

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Thank you, and consider your side of the pond VERY LUCKY. It's based on a somewhat infamous commercial that aired here where the actors, uh--had TOO MUCH CHEMISTRY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMwFWDIFVCU

A.P. Murphy's avatar

Can't a girl have a special liking for her big bro any more, geez...

So the centennial edition ad would have our tale set in 2109 - just three years from when Rush's prophecy comes true

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

…and in 2209 the bi-centennial edition will be ten hours long and will require you to eat Hyper-Folgers to avoid from passing out from the high g-forces inherent in it’s prodcast.

A.P. Murphy's avatar

It will designated the Year of the U-BRAYNE Adult Diaper-Brain Retainer Combo

Nick Winney's avatar

its when she puts that rosette on him…

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

This haunts me.

Nick Winney's avatar

its when she puts that rosette on him…

Nick Winney's avatar

its when she puts that rosette on him…

Thomas Clark Schecter's avatar

“You’re my present this year” is the woooooorst 🤮🤣

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Folgers is for degens.

Nick Winney's avatar

that is creepy

Shelbytabbycat's avatar

Mike Tyson used to live here and a car honked at him once so he beat the shit out of it Streetfighter style, so if you are getting punched by fists that can crush a car, I'd imagine you'll be taking a nap pretty quick.

I need an ad-block-blocking-blocker-block-bloke. It's just a dude named Jeff that I promised a case of beer to distract the robot while I hit skip ad.

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

I would not take any action that could be slightly read as aggressive toward that man. That’s the car’s fault.

I worry that Jeff takes that job as a way to self-harm, like getting paid for his self-destruction is a way for him to justify suicide without calling it that, but yes—I’m going to watch the same Strange Æons video about the Muppet Joker for the fourth time in a row, so uh… you’re doing a fine job there Jeff, keep up the good work!

Chris Keilman's avatar

Okay, this a deeply disturbing depiction of what society will look like in 6 months 😂 well done! I enjoyed the really gross snot-related details that you got in there in just the right amount. And the psychological cruelty of the ad bot is is something I'll be thinking about.

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Thank you, Chris! I appreciate the read and I’m glad some of it will stick with ya!

Dan Scamell's avatar

Love stuff like this. "PrOgReSs" will always triumph, but we can occasionally get small victories. Very fun piece!

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Glad to hear, and I’m glad it treated you well! Thank you for the read dude!

Nick Buchheit's avatar

A lovely dystopian tale and def enjoyed the violence.

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Always happy to read this from ya, I appreciate your read, good sir!

Ian Patterson's avatar

Still hilarious, and yeah I like the changes! I can see this as a very satirical Black Mirror episode.

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Awesome! Good to hear, and thank you for your initial workshop crits—they were instrumental to this version.

Damn. High praise, thank you!

A.P. Murphy's avatar

Nasty, biting and hilarious, Fitz, just how I like it

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Thank you, good sir, I appreciate the read and am glad you enjoyed it!

Nick Winney's avatar

what is wrong with milk...

M.P. Fitzgerald's avatar

Have you seen the old Got Milk? ads that run here? Nick, do not make me write a dystopian GOT MILK? story, it would have to be hyper-aggressive.

Nick Winney's avatar

no i havent…

Nick Winney's avatar

jayzus!!!